this is my rifle.

I got home from my Christmas get-away today.  I’m not as exhausted as I should be.  Sleep last night was delayed by the reading of a good book, and then my flight was early enough to wake me before I wanted.  The whole airport and airplane experience was basically fine, despite a long line at security and then a long wait for my luggage.  Waiting for the taxi would have been more annoying had I not had the pleasant surprise of running into a co-worker, also just returned from the holiday.  The ride itself could definitely have been better, particularly if it hadn’t cost nearly a hundred bucks.  I was very glad to have gotten some extra cash at the ATM while I was pacing the baggage claim.

Once home I actually accomplished some chores, which I’m sure makes up for some of the frustration of the day.  I got totally unpacked within a few hours of being home, which I don’t think has ever happened before.  Unfortunately when I left the house to do the one errand that needed doing before tomorrow, I forgot some crucial items and had to make the trip a second time.  All of these things, though, ended up being relatively minor breaks between longer reading sessions that have been absorbing me for several days.

I’ve somewhat foolishly (though to my credit, I couldn’t really have known) started reading a series of delightful love stories.  Well only one love story, actually, contained within the series.  In any case, I’ve finished two of the four books in the last four days and am well into the third.  While I am greatly appreciating the incredibly satisfying distraction, I somewhat lament it all the same.  For one thing, love stories that do as well as these at describing such a wonderful male lead are never healthy for a slightly lonely, very single person.  And for another, it’s going to be so sad when the books are over, which as this rate, won’t be long.  They have been such an interesting escape.

All in all, I suppose I can’t fault myself too much for reading books.  It doesn’t happen as often as it should.

there were some that i loved already with whom i grew closer over those years.  now it’s over and i think were it not for them, i’d wish it had been a dream.  it is the blackhole.  it is the bane of my life.  it is my punishment.  it is my classroom.  it is my emotional growth hormone.  it is my home.

i’ve been in seattle 11 days and i’m not sure i fully grasp the reality of this move just yet.  for the most part i am enjoying myself, and my new job is going rather well.  i do find myself missing my friends, of course.  but then again i’m also making new friends.

my biggest complaint is definitely with the long commute i face every morning and every evening getting to and from work.  the drive to the park&ride followed by the long bus ride extend my 9-hour work day to a 12-hour day away from home.  i picked up a very cool literary journal to read on the bus, but it turns out that i am not so good at reading on the bus…  it’s okay for a few minutes, but then the nausea starts to kick in.

there are so many interesting things to eat in the u-district, which has really made lunch-time fun.  blair, my across-the-aisle-cubicle friend, took me for my first indian food experience, which was pretty delicious.  there’s teriyaki, mexican, regular ole’ cafe food, on and on whatever you could want.

the big picture, i guess, is that this is all just very strange.  i am excited by the future - getting my own place, eliminating the commute, and coming to appreciate seattle in my own way.

I will leave Jacksonville in 12 days with all my crap packed in my car.  Five or six days later I will arrive in Seattle and start a new life.  It’s blowing my mind.

So… I got the job, obviously.  I even negotiated the salary, which I’ve never done before.  Yay me.  Yay new salary.  Meanwhile, work is totally insane.  Today is the first day of my last two weeks, though, so I barely care.

I just realized I forgot to submit my time sheet.  Poop.

It’s strange when you focus hard on wanting something, and then when someone offers it to you, you realize you don’t really want it. It’s happened before, and still happens with little things sometimes.

But it’s not happening with Seattle.

The anticipation of waiting to hear back from them (which won’t happen until next week) is killing me. Add to it the frustrations of still needing to unpack from my recent move, trying to wrap up all my projects at work, and the burdens of trying to maintain relationships that I should probably let fall by the wayside, and I’m spent.

Meanwhile, I can at least enjoy the pleasures of other less demanding relationships. It is very lucky to have friends and family who care about what is going on in your life enough to ask, but understand your stresses enough not to pressure you for more. Beautiful.

edit Sept. 22:  I think I need to learn to be the kind of friend I seek in others…

Tomorrow afternoon I will fly to Seattle to face my second interview with the University of Washington’s Human Subjects Division, to take place on Monday. Ever since the phone interview, and the enthusiasm with which I was invited for this trip, I have felt relatively confident that I would ultimately be offered a position. As it approaches, however, I become plagued with doubt.

For one thing, I found out this morning that there would be a couple of people at this interview who were not involved in the phone interview. What if they ask me the same questions I was asked on the phone, but I choke in person?

Alright, so I don’t actually think I’m going to choke. I need to remember that I actually know what I’m talking about with this stuff. I’m sure it will be fine. But then assuming I am offered the job, my stress only multiplies. First there is the matter of salary - how much will they offer? Will I have to negotiate? I’ve never done that before. Maybe I suck at it. So maybe I get a lower salary than I think I should get, or lower than will allow me to live comfortably in Seattle. Then there are concerns about finding an apartment and actually moving 3000 miles away and all that jazz. Plus leaving my family and friends. Oh family… oh friends.

I got a new suit for the occasion. It’s real nice. So if nothing else, at least there’s that. And the shoes and handbag that I got to go along… also real nice. Mm hm. And Ann Taylor says I’m a size 6. Nothing like a little self-esteem, paid in full, cash.

I had a birthday since last I wrote here.  I don’t usually do much to celebrate my birthdays, but I do find that they are often a prime opportunity to evaluate life.

When summer ends I will have put in two years in my current job, which is arguably the only “real” job I’ve ever had, and I face the prospect of likely at least one more year.  I find myself pondering my next move, yet also wondering if I should hold back from moving on too quickly.  The benefits to staying are many, and the risks of leaving are palpable and frightening.

I know, though, that fear should not hold me back.  I face that reality as Shane now lives with one foot out the door.  Over the year my fear of this moment has grown, and so has my resolve that I should not have avoided it like I had been so tempted to do.  I am looking forward, in a sad and somewhat timid way, to moving on and learning more about the person I have become.

It is a tearful moment in life.  I cherish these in their own right, for I am always at least glad to know there is something worth crying for.

montana welcomed me with warm, sunny weather like it hadn’t seen all year.  having arrived back in florida this morning, i am greeted with grey skies and much rain and thunder.  it’s all terribly fitting.

seeing family and friends in bozeman and livingston was wonderful, if rather emotional.  it made me sad to have stayed away for so long, but also reminded me why i did.  it’s so much easier to feign contentedness when you shun the memory of what you are missing.

on the same lines, it was very good to see shane again, as well.  this, too, was bittersweet.  already i had gone through one good-bye and had moved past the sadness and back into my old routine.  now i have just said good-bye once more and am experiencing a bit of that same sadness over again.  part of this is also in anticipation of the good-bye we’ll say in a month or so, which will be so much more permanent and send him so much farther away.

we had a great time in seattle the last couple of days.  while two days was not quite enough to do absolutely everything i wished we could have done, we did get to enjoy the company of both of the friends i have there, and enjoy it we did!  as we managed to also squeeze in lovely visits to the U district, the space needle, and the EMP/SFM, i think the only thing that was missing was the pike street market.  i suppose we’ll save it for another time, in a long time.

i will be back at work tomorrow, trying to put out of my mind all the beauty of the people and places i have left behind again this week.  i’m sure there will a great deal of business to distract me.

it seems as though it’s been a long time since i blogged. oh things have just been happening and i suppose i haven’t felt like spending time with such things. i’ve been staying later at work this week because there isn’t much to come home to besides the dirty dishes. at least it makes me feel more productive. i’ve also been going to class two nights a week, which can make for some long days as well. glad to be in school again, though. especially now that i need the distraction.

i’m started to get very excited for my trip to bozeman, which is finally taking place this month after four long years of absence. i have my plane ticket to seattle, my greyhound ticket to bozeman, and even bus tickets for seattle metro to get to and from the couches and/or floors i’ll be sleeping on during the bookends of my vacation. there are so many people i can’t wait to see. and mountains i can’t wait to climb… it has been far, far too long.

still, though, the house is very quiet lately. it had gotten a bit lively for a bit and now i’m settling back into my routine of quiet time spent mostly alone. i had always enjoyed it, but i also very much enjoyed the break from myself.

in other news, some people continue to disappoint. i wonder if my friendly duties require some sort of heart-to-heart / man-to-man type thing, and i’m honestly hoping they do not. there are some things that must just be learned on one’s own.

finally, another Corporal deadline has come and gone, this time without a single submission.  that is definitely a first, and i’m not sure how to take it.  so far i have totally failed to react in any kind of public way, save perhaps now for this.  i have not at all decided on a course of action, nor am i in any rush to do so.  no one else is losing sleep over it anyway.  clearly.

the man who thrusts a long knife deep into his gut has not the right to complain of the agony. and so do i lack entitlement to these tears. i’ve no wish for a shoulder to cry on, for this i will suffer alone. soon i’ll twist that knife around and around, and when i’m done i will mop up the blood with my own able body.